i hate little dogs, i hate dog lovers, fuck you i will eat your fucking dog

There was a time when the dog was a majestic animal.  Smart, social, domesticated…they could fetch your shit, fight off monsters and black people, carry stuff for you, drag your sled, be your eyes if you’re blind.  Damn.  Dogs are awesome.

So, can somebody please explain this little shit to me?  Can somebody tell me what purpose these tiny ass modern day dogs serve?  This midget ass puny shit species of dog is the useless 2nd asshole of the animal kingdom.  What truly angers me is that this is somebody’s purposeful intent.  Some dipshit literally sat there, and bred a dog that can do less things, contributes nothing, and needs hair cuts.  It’s like mother nature started out with a shitty worthless underdeveloped mammal in the form of a furry primitive rat and then after spending millions and millions of years of doing natural selection and hard work to create the bad motherfucker that is the dog, some dick head came along and completely unmade evolution and created ass-rats out of the dogs.  On purpose.  They undid millions of years of scientific ingenuity in 5 years to create something that is counter intuitive to everything that is logical, intelligent, and right.  (See exhibit A for an analogy)

Through thousands of years of engineering and experimentation, we have discovered that things with four wheels can stand on its own.  Now let’s ignore basic principles of geometry to make something that can’t stand on its own.  And then invent another machine that can keep it standing.  And make sure it’s a piece of shit that can transport less things and goes slower so that only shit heads will ride it.

I wish I had a time machine so that I could bring Darwin to the present day,  take him to a modern day puppy store and then tell him, “Here you fuck ass, take your theory of evolution and shove it up your mom’s ass.  Looks like the Origin of Species is worth dick.”

They can’t fetch.  They can’t scare off anything.  They can’t fight.  They can’t lead you anywhere.  They don’t solve puzzles.  They’re physically incapable of surviving in the wild.  You could take one of these dogs, throw it in the forest, and it will fucking die.  They don’t belong in the natural order of things.  Can you imagine what the fuck would happen to a modern day poodle in the woods?  With it’s retarded fluff?  In the wild, the poodle is the color of “fucking eat me.”  It can’t hide, it can’t run, and it will probably try to bark at a bear for getting too close to a tree it pissed on and then get its face raped.

Awesome.  A purse that can take a shit.

Aside from the fact that its existence makes no natural or logical sense, I think the general injustice that these dogs create, offends me a lot.  There are dogs that are being treated for depression.  There is yoga for dogs.  There are dogs with healthcare.  It’s not even “holy shit I lost my fucking legs” emergency healthcare.  It’s everyday, “how are you doing?” healthcare.  And out there in Africa is a starving boy trying to eat mud because it might contain Vitamin Fuck in it and give him one more miserable day to live

When I walk in the park, and watch hot bitches walk their crappy accessory dogs around I get irrationally mad.  Someday, I’m going to tie a korean flag around my head, wear a Michael Vick jersey, wait in the park with a spoon and fork in my hands and an empty plate in front of me, with a sign hanging from my neck saying, “Professional Dog sitter for hire.”

Fuck you and your little shit dogs.  I fucking hate you assholes so much I made a “fuck you dog” category just for this post.  Because, fuck you.  Seriously.